No way.
EASTER ISLAND STATUE
Dum-dum.
LARRY
Yes?
EASTER ISLAND STATUE
You give me gum-gum.
LARRY
I give you gum-gum?
EASTER ISLAND STATUE
You new dum-dum. You give me gum-gum.
LARRY
Okay, you know what? I have no gum-gum. Sorry.
And my name isn't dum-dum, my name's Larry.
EASTER ISLAND STATUE
No, your name dum-dum. Oh, you in trouble, dum-dum.
You'd better run-run from Attila the Hun-Hun.
See you later, dum-dum.
Atilla the Hun and some warriors attack Larry. He escapes by running
into an elevator.
LARRY
What is happening?
Larry leaves the elevator and sees a Native American woman in an exhibit
behind glass.
LARRY
Hey. How you doing? Are you...? You're..."Sakagahwahwaya"?
You're "Sakagawaya"? Oh, Sakagawea. You're Sakagawea?
SAKAGAWEA
The glass. I can't...hear you.
Larry and Sakagawea can't hear what each other are saying. Larry is
trying to read her lips. Next to her, Lewis and Clark are arguing.
LARRY
You can't...? You can't hear me? Excuse me.
"Who assisted the Lewis and Clark--"
Right, so that's Lewis and Clark
and you're.... Right.
You seem-- I'm Larry.
What's going on? What's--?
Do you know what's going on here?
The Huns find Larry, and he hides.
LARRY
Huns. I gotta--
TIN MAN
Hey. Hi.
LARRY
Tin Man. Hey. Hi. How you doing?
I'm new. It says I'm supposed to
lock up the lions or they'll eat me.
You're Galileo? No?
Okay....Hey, I'm the....
Hi. I'm the new guy
and I'm just locking up, so....
If it's cool with you
I'm just gonna get my paperwork...
...and be out of your hair, okay?
Larry reads the instruction manual.
LARRY
"Double-check your belt.
The monkey probably stole your keys."
Larry's keys are gone. He finds the monkey.
LARRY
Monkey. Hey. Hey there. Hi.
What's your name? Your name is....
No, no, no. Come back. Come back.
Dewey? Is that your name, Dewey?
No, no, no. What's--? Dewey?
Dexter? Dexter. Dexter, right?
Hey, Dexter, you wanna give me those keys?
I just want to lock up.
Dexter comes closer to Larry.
LARRY
Yes. Oh, good. Come to Papa.
Oh, thank you. Can I have those keys?
Oh, good. What a good boy.
That's okay. Oh, thank you.
Oh, no, no, no. It's okay.
Thank you very, very much.
The monkey urinates on Larry.
LARRY
Bad monkey. Stop that.
That's not right. Are you done?
Do you have an issue with me?
Do you have an issue with me?
Because if I have a problem with somebody,
I don't pee on them, okay?
And also-- Let me tell you something.
These keys?
Dexter takes the instruction manual away from Larry.
LARRY
Hey. Dexter, that's not funny. Give it back.
Dexter. Give--
Dexter prepares to rip the instruction manual.
LARRY
Don't. I know what you're thinking.
Don't do it. Not a good idea.
Not-- Dexter, I need those.
Dexter's monkey friends are laughing.
LARRY
Don't encourage him. You think
you're funny for your friends, huh?
You three guys-- What, he's the ringleader,
you're the audience? Yeah, no. Don't do it, okay?
Lookit--
Dexter rips the instruction manual.
LARRY
You! Oh, this is not happening. Oh, man.
Larry leaves. The Mayans shoot some arrows at Larry.
LARRY
What are you guys doing? I can't feel my lip. Oh, shit. Man.
Hey. Hey. Hey, stop that.
Larry falls into the Wild West exhibit. The cowboys have tied him
to the train tracks.
JEDEDIAH
Hog-tie him, boys. Get him, that big old Bocephus of a man.
LARRY
Hey, what are you doing?
JEDEDIAH
Cinch him up good. You ain't so big now, are you?
LARRY
Hey. Hey, stop that.
JEDEDIAH
Every night, year after year...one of you guards
locks us up in these boxes.
Well, I hereby say, sir, enough!
Fire up the iron horse, boys.
LARRY
Hey, blondie?
JEDEDIAH
Name's Jedediah.
LARRY
All right, Jedediah. Stop the train, please.
JEDEDIAH
That's a big no-can-do, Cracker Jack.
LARRY
What's going on here, huh?
JEDEDIAH
Somebody's gotta pay.
LARRY
Pay for what?
JEDEDIAH
I don't know. Just pay. Now, stop whining
and just take it like a man.
A locomotive is coming at Larry.
LARRY
Seriously, stop the train.
JEDEDIAH
All right, stop the train.
LARRY
Thank you.
JEDEDIAH
Now full speed ahead and ram him!
Split his head like a watermelon!
The locomotive hits Larry and derails.
JEDEDIAH
For crying out loud.
LARRY
All right, that's enough.
COWBOY
We got a breach.
Larry gets up.
COWBOY
I got him. I got him. I got him, guys. I got him--
When Larry looks towards the floor, soldiers line up.
LARRY
Oh, my....
OCTAVIUS
Prepare the catapults.
JEDEDIAH
Octavius, hold on. This ain't your fight.
This here giant's on our land.
LARRY
Hey, little guy. Jed? Yeah.
Sorry, look. I just-- I'm not a giant.
I'm just an average-sized--
JEDEDIAH
Don't talk down to me.
LARRY
I'm not a giant, guys. All right?
You guys are really little.
OCTAVIUS
We may be small, but our hearts are large...
...metaphorically speaking.
LARRY
Don't take that wrong. I'm saying you're miniatures.
OCTAVIUS
Silence! The Roman Empire knows no boundaries.
JEDEDIAH
Don't you do it, son.
LARRY
Do what?
JEDEDIAH
Octavius.
LARRY
Don't do what?
OCTAVIUS
Unleash hell!
JEDEDIAH
Don't--
Jedediah flees. Soldiers shoot burning arrows and stones at Larry.
Larry escapes while avoiding them. Roosevelt appears riding a horse.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Climb aboard, boy. Take the hand, son.
Onboard.
Roosevelt puts Larry on the horse and leaves.
JEDEDIAH
That's right. You better run, boy. You hear Jedediah?
That mustachioed horseman ain't always
gonna be there to protect you, you hear me?
Larry gets off the horse.
LARRY
Thank you.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Not at all.
LARRY
Theodore Roosevelt?
TEDDY ROOSEVELT,
26th president...of these United States of America
at your service.
LARRY
Okay. I'm Larry Daley, the new night guard.
Roosevelt gets off the horse while laughing
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Pleasure to me you, Lawrence Daley.
You'll have to excuse me, though.
Roosevelt takes a hunting gun from a holster on the horse.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
The hunt is afoot.
LARRY
Hunt's afoot.
Larry and Roosevelt are walking.
LARRY
Excuse me, Mr. President. Could I ask you something?
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Yes, but just one question.
LARRY
All right. Okay, why? Is it just some, like,
three-wishes kind of deal, or--?
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Not at all. Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life.
A man must look inward to find his own answers. How can
I be of help?
LARRY
I don't really know how to put this,
and please don't take it the wrong way...
...but isn't everything in this museum
supposed to be, you know...
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Dead?
LARRY
Yeah.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Follow me.
INT.ROOM OF THE PHARAOH
The mummy of the pharaoh cries out.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Yell all you want, pharaoh. You've been in there 54 years.
You're not getting out tonight. There's the source of all
this commotion.
Larry shines his light on the slate of Ahkmenrah.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
The Tablet of Ahkmenrah. Arrived here in 1952 from the Nile
expedition. On that night, everything in this museum came to
life. And every night since.
LARRY
So everything in the museum comes to life every night?
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Exactly.
LARRY
And I'm supposed to do what?
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
You're the night watchman, Lawrence.
A venerable position in this institution.
Come on, lad.
LARRY
All right. Okay. This is impossible.
Larry and Roosevelt walk in front of a jackal.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Nothing's impossible. If it can be dreamed, it can be done.
Hence the 20-foot jackal staring at you. Don't make eye contact.
Larry and roosevelt leave the room and walk along the passage.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Your job is to make sure that everyone stays inside the museum...
because if the sun rises and anyone's on the outside...
we turn to dust.
Larry and Roosevelt stop in the middle of a passage and talk.
LARRY
You turn to dust?
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Dust.
LARRY
Really?
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Really. Now, it's almost dawn.
I shall help you restore order tonight.
But mark my words, it's the last time
I shall ever do so. Is that clear?
LARRY
Yeah. I mean-- I mean, I guess. I don't....
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Stop babbling, boy! Yes or no?
LARRY
Yes.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Good. Let's ride.
The scenery of the night town is projected.
Roosevelt watches a woman with binoculars.
LARRY
All right. So the Hall of Reptiles is secure.
What are you looking at?
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
I'm tracking, dear boy. Man's got to track.
Welcome to the family, Lawrence.
See you tomorrow night.
Larry and Roosevelt come out to the main floor and walk
LARRY
Actually, I gotta be honest. I don't think I'm coming back.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
What? You've only just begun.
LARRY
Yeah, well, this is not exactly what l--
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Lawrence?
LARRY
Yeah?
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
What did you do before you took this post?
LARRY
Well, I've done a lot of different things.
I invented this thing called the Snapper.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Did you give up on that as well?
LARRY
No, I just hit a few roadblocks. You might have heard of The Clapper?
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Lawrence.
LARRY
Yes, sir?
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Some men are born great. Others have greatness thrust upon them.
For you, this is that very moment.
Teddy Roosevelt takes out his sword, and stops moving. Larry moves towards him.
Roosevelt yells at Larry, and Larry jumps back. Roosevelt laughs.
Bully. Got you, boy.
LARRY
Yeah. You got me.
JEDEDIAH
Say hello to your little friend.
LARRY
What are you doing?
JEDEDIAH
Put me down. I don't like to be manhandled.
LARRY
Just calm down, Jed.
JEDEDIAH
lt doesn't feel good. lt makes me feel small and powerless.
LARRY
You done?
Jed pulls out a gun.
JEDEDIAH
I'm gonna shoot you in your dang eye. In your dadgum eye.
LARRY
Yeah, keep shooting. Nothing's gonna happen.
JEDEDIAH
Now you know my shame. Jedediah's impotent rage.
His guns don't fire. Take me away. This ain't over.
You ain't seen the last of me.
LARRY
I don't wanna hear it, okay?
JEDEDIAH
Duck! The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
LARRY
This is not worth $11.50 an hour.
JEDEDIAH
Look, the giant's scared. There's a bigger giant running around.
GUS
Hello.
CECIL
Larry? Larry? Oh, don't do that. We're too old for surprises.
LARRY
Really? I thought you liked surprises. Like how you surprised me...
...with the fact everything in the museum comes to life at night.
That little sweetheart.
CECIL
We wanted to tell you. You never would have believed us.
LARRY
You have any idea what I've been through?
GUS
Keep a lid on it, butterscotch.
LARRY
I don't know if what happened last night
was real, but I didn't sign up for this.
I just need a regular job that
is not life-threatening and pays my bills.
So thank you very much
and I left my uniform in the office...
...and I will be seeing you.
CECIL
Larry!
EXT. STREET
Larry sees Don and Nicky outside the museum on the street.
NICKY
Dad?
DON
Hey.
LARRY
Hey, buddy. What are you guys doing here?
DON
Oh, Erica had to be in court early, so I'm taking Mr. Big Stuff
here to school. But he wanted to swing by, see you in the new job.
NICKY
It's so awesome that you're working here.
DON
Hey, Niko, you wanna take a little look-a-doo inside?
Maybe your dad will give you a VlP tour.
LARRY
You know what? We're pretty slammed this morning.
Yeah, but Nicky, I promise,
I'll show you around soon, okay? Deal?
NICKY
Deal.
LARRY
All right.
NICKY
Bye, Dad.
LARRY
Bye.
NICKY
Love you.
LARRY
Love you too, buddy.
DON
Bye, now. All right.
INT.MUSEUM
Larry walks back into the museum.
REGINALD
Hey, Larry.
LARRY
So I was thinking maybe I'll give it one more night.
CECIL
I'm glad you came around. Welcome back.
Dr. McPhee calls out to Larry.
DR. MCPHEE
You. New night guard, here, now.
LARRY
What's up?
DR. MCPHEE
"What's up? " Oh, well, take a walk with me
and I'll show you, Mr. "What's up? "
Come on. So would you kindly do me the favor
of explaining this?
Octavius is shackled in the Wild West exhibit.
LARRY
Okay. I'm guessing- And I'm just spitballing here,
but looks like that Roman dude got cocky...
...and climbed over into the Wild West.
And the cowboy knows Roman dude
wants to take over his territory...
...so he rounded up a posse
and put him in the stockade.
DR. MCPHEE
"Let's all laugh at me, the comedy night guard."
"No" is the answer. Sarcasm back at you,
with your humor box. I wasn't laughing. Pretending to laugh...
...if that's what you want, some sort of battle of humor.
Do you?
LARRY
No.
I don't want-- No, I don't want a battle of humor.
DR. MCPHEE
No, you don't, because it would be a bloodbath.
Nothing funny about Little Bighorn. No. I find it
about as funny as a "fancist."
It's not funny. Okay? And I will not stand for this type of blatant....
If I'm not clear, tell me. Am I clear?
LARRY
Yeah.
DR. MCPHEE
Yeah?
Larry sees Cecil walking out of the museum.
LARRY
Hey, Cecil? You got an extra copy of that instruction manual?
CECIL
Oh, no. I'm afraid not, Larry. Listen, I'll tell you what you do.
Read some books. Brush up on your history. Helped me a lot when
I first started out.
Cecil leaves. Rebecca walks past Larry, giving a guided tour to some
children.
REBECCA
This museum was originally dedicated to that man on the horse up there...
...President Theodore Roosevelt. He absolutely loved history and believed
that the more you know about the past...the better prepared you are
for the future.
Larry follows Rebecca and the children. They walk into another room.
REBECCA
Okay, kids. Who can tell me what this room's called? Very good. The Hall
of African Mammals.Right here we have the king of the jungle,
the lion. Up ahead is one of my favorite creatures in the whole museum,
the capuchin monkey. A highly intelligent primate known for its loving
and generous nature.
Larry laughs. Rebecca looks at him strangely.
REBECCA
Excuse me?
LARRY
I just thought that was.... I just was laughing in agreement.
Happy monkey.
REBECCA
All right, kids. This way.
When Rebecca walks away, Larry gets closer to the monkey, and talks to it.
LARRY
Let me tell you something. I'm not buying it. You might have them fooled,
you might have the kids fooled. Not me. Can't get past me. There's a storm
coming, buddy. There's a storm coming.
REBECCA
One of the most famous trackers in history, Sakagawea was the woman...who
led Lewis and Clark on their expedition to find the Pacific Ocean. You guys
have heard the saying, "Actions speak louder than words." And yet they wrote--
Larry raises his hand.
REBECCA
Yes, Mr. Daley?
LARRY
Yes. Was she deaf?
REBECCA
Was she deaf? No. She was not. But she--
LARRY
Yeah, because-- Just-- She does seem a little bit sort of unresponsive.
REBECCA
That's because she's a statue. Kids, could you give me one sec?
Go check her out. She's really cool.
Rebecca approaches Larry.
REBECCA
What are you doing?
LARRY
I'm gonna be here every night. I wanted to learn a little bit more
about what I'm guarding. Actually, I've got a bunch of questions.
Maybe when you have a break, could I buy you a cup of coffee?
REBECCA
A cup of coffee?
LARRY
Yeah, I mean, just purely a, you know...colleague-to-colleague,
information-download sort of coffee.
REBECCA
I finish in 20 minutes. I'll meet you outside.
LARRY
Thank you.
REBECCA
You're welcome.
Rebecca goes back to the kids.
REBECCA
All right. Okay, kids.
EXT. STREET
Larry and Rebecca are walking, and sipping coffee.
REBECCA
It was incredible what she did. She literally led these men
across rivers, up mountains...all with her newborn baby on her back.
She was the ultimate working mother.
LARRY
Wow, you are quite the Sakagawean expert.
REBECCA
Sakagawean.
LARRY
Sakagawean?
REBECCA
Yeah. I should be, I've been writing my dissertation on her for four years.
LARRY
You've been working on one paper for four years? That would drive me crazy.
REBECCA
Actually, it's more like a 900-page book. So, what's your story? Have you
always wanted to be a security guard? Oh, I didn't mean to--
LARRY
No, no, no. No, I'm divorced and I have a 1 0-year-old son...so I needed to
find a more steady situation.
REBECCA
Got it. So, what can I tell you about the museum?
LARRY
Okay, Attila the Hun. What is that guy's problem?
REBECCA
Attila was considered the only genuine threat to the Roman Empire.
INT. LIBRARY
Larry reads more about Attila the Hun.
LARRY
" Known as the 'Scourge of God'...Attila and his Huns would often
tear off the limbs of their helpless victims. Attila was famous
for his superstitious beliefs. He surrounded himself with a phalanx
of sorcerers and magicians...who advised and mystified him with their
dark arts."
INT. SECURITY ROOM
Cecil, Gus, and Reginald talk to Larry in the security room.
CECIL
Larry? Just wanted to say good luck, son. And goodbye. We're clocking out
for the last time. If you're ever in Boca, look us up.
LARRY
Wait, you guys are going out of town? What if this doesn't work out?
REGINALD
Smart fellow like you? You'll be fine.
CECIL
Yeah. We'll just be a phone call away. Come on, walk us out.
Reginald covers his face with his hand.
REGINALD
You fellas go ahead. I need a moment.
CECIL
He's very emotional. A lot of memories in this room.
Reginald takes out Larry's keys and puts one in a mold to make a copy.
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