Larry attaches Rexy's bone to a remote control car so he can chase it around.
LARRY
Go crazy, big guy.
Larry speaks to the neanderthals.
LARRY
Hey, guys. Quest for fire...over. Knock yourselves out.
Larry gives them a lighter. Then he walks to the Easter Island Statue.
LARRY
Morning, dum-dum.
EASTER ISLAND STATUE
Me no dum-dum. You dum-dum. You bring me gum-gum?
Larry gives the statue a big ball of gum.
LARRY
Yes, I did, fathead. Lots and lots of gum-gum.
Larry closes a glass cage around the Mayans.
LARRY
What's that? I can't hear you through the glass. Sorry.
Larry goes to the Roman exhibit.
OCTAVIUS
Heave. Heave. Heave.
LARRY
Hey, what's going on over here?
OCTAVIUS
We expand or we die. Heave. Heave.
Jedediah is preparing to destroy a mountain in the exhibit with dynamite.
JEDEDIAH
On the count of three...you blow this anthill to kingdom come.
And a one and a two-
LARRY
Hey, Jed. Stop that.
No, no. You blow a hole in your mountain,
all you're gonna hit is a wall.
JEDEDIAH
Step aside, Gigantor. We got us a railroad
to build. We're blowing a hole in that thing.
LARRY
Okay, first of all, enough with the Gigantor giant stuff, okay?
I'm just trying to close up shop.
JEDEDIAH
We're gonna blow it anyway. And a three!
LARRY
Yeah. What are you doing?
JED
What's it look like we're doing? It's manifest destiny.
You can't fight it and neither can l. Go! More dynamite.
OCTAVIUS
Yeah, use it all.
LARRY
All right. Okay.
LARRY
Listen, "Octavus"? You gotta stop that.
OCTAVIUS
It's Octavius, Mary.
LARRY
Okay, you know what? Fine. Great.
Here you go. This is what happens.
Larry picks up Octavius.
OCTAVIUS
You cannot do this. I am a Roman general.
LARRY
Sorry.
OCTAVIUS
I have rights.
LARRY
And you.
Larry picks up Jedediah.
JEDEDIAH
Hey, no! Put me down!
OCTAVIUS
Keep heaving, men.
JEDEDIAH
You can't stop progress!
LARRY
We're gonna have a little talk, okay?
JEDEDIAH
I told you, I don't like to be manhandled.
LARRY
No, I will manhandle you, Jedediah. Now, listen, guys.
What is your problem, huh? Why can't you just get along?
JEDEDIAH
Look, we're men. We fight, okay? That's what we do.
OCTAVIUS
It's kind of how we pass the time.
JEDEDIAH
You're, like, a giant. A freak, if you will.
We can't expect you to understand that.
LARRY
You got the whole room to run around in.
You don't have to be near each other.
OCTAVIUS
What, you mean...?
JED
You're gonna let us out? What, and just roam free?
LARRY
Yeah. Yeah, I might, if you promise to behave.
That means no fireballs, no explosions, okay?
OCTAVIUS
You have my word, my liege.
JEDEDIAH
Yeah, no problemo, Gigantor.
LARRY
My name's Larry, first of all. Okay, Jed?
So I call you Jed. I don't call you Tiny, right?
JEDEDIAH
What's that supposed to mean?
LARRY
"Hey, Teeny." How does that sound?
JEDEDIAH
I don't like it. It hurts my feelings.
LARRY
"Gigantor" makes me feel like some sort of freak, so....
OCTAVIUS
I don't. I just call you Larry.
LARRY
Don't be a kiss-ass, okay? Look, I'm trusting you guys,
all right? If you don't do what I say, you can end up like
the Mayan world there. Locked up. Take a look. Do they look happy?
JEDEDIAH
No. They look sad.
LARRY
They can't do what they wanna do. Now, I'm letting you guys...
...have a little bit of leash here. Don't choke me with it, okay?
I gotta run. You guys play nice, okay? Okay. Good. Thanks.
Larry speaks to the statue.
LARRY
Hey, how's that gum treating you, dum-dum?
The statue is blowing a bubble.
EASTER ISLAND STATUE
Good.
LARRY
Oh, hey, Dexter. I'm just locking up. You want in? Yeah? All right.
Dexter takes Larry's keys again.
LARRY
What's that? You got my keys? I don't think so. Looks like Uncle
Larry pulled a fast one on little Dexie. Those are baby keys for
a little baby. Have fun with your baby keys, little baby monkey.
Tomorrow I'll bring you a little baby diapy so you can go poo-poo
in it. I'll give you a tickle because you're a cute baby. While you
cry all night long about how Uncle Larry fooled you, huh?
I told you there was a storm coming.
Larry leaves. He greets Teddy Roosevelt.
LARRY
Hey, Teddy.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Lawrence. You impertinent pup. I knew you'd come back.
You look like a man on a mission.
LARRY
Yeah, I'm gonna give it another shot.
Teddy is looking at Sakagawea.
LARRY
You...?
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
What?
LARRY
You checking her out?
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
The nerve. Checking her out. I've never heard of such a thing.
LARRY
No, no, no. I'm just-- I mean because, you know, she's very beautiful.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Beautiful?
LARRY
Yeah.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Rather handsome woman, I suppose.
LARRY
Yeah. I don't know, maybe you should go talk to her.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
lndeed. Bless you, lad.
LARRY
Yeah. All right.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Carry on.
LARRY
Good. See you.
Teddy walks up to Sakagawea. He starts to speak, but changes his mind.
Teddy sees Larry off. Teddy salutes Sakagawea. Teddy wants to talk to
Sakagawea but he runs away.
I....
Sakagawea seems to be sad,
EXT. HALL
Atilla and the Huns are working.
LARRY
Hey, hi.
The Huns pounce on Larry.
LARRY
No! It's okay! It's okay. You guys speak English?
No?
The Huns tell him something.
LARRY
Right. I don't know what that means...
...and I know that you and I got off
on the wrong foot last night, but...
...a little birdie told me that somebody
likes......magic.
ATILLA THE HUN
Magic?
LARRY
Magic. Sorcery.
ATILLA THE HUN
Ah, sorcer--
LARRY
Yes. Illusion. Everybody likes magic.
Larry takes out a flower suddenly.
LARRY
And flowers. People like flowers. There you go.
Those are for you. You know what else people like?
Money.
Larry takes out a coin suddenly.
LARRY
The almighty dollar, right? But money can sometimes...
...disappear. At least that's what l...hear.
Larry takes the coin out of Atilla's ear.
LARRY
No wonder you can't understand me.
You got a coin in your ear.
The Huns rise.
LARRY
Check this out. Anybody need a hanky?
Well, I wouldn't suggest this little
feller because he has a nasty habit...
Larry puts a handkerchief in his hand.
LARRY
...of vanishing...into thin air!
Larry botches the magic trick. Part of the handkerchief is
showing outside a fake thumb. The Huns get angry and grab him.
LARRY
No, no. Don't. That defeats the-- Don't!
The Huns try to tear Larry's limbs.
LARRY
Not the limbs. Guys, please, do not tear the limbs.
The voice of an animal can be heard. Animals appear.
He sees a statue of Cortes.
LARRY
Cortes, right?
Cortes nods. Larry finds Dexter.
LARRY
How? You! Don't even think about it. Don't you--
Dexter runs away,
LARRY
Dexter! Come on, guys!
Larry pursues Dexter. The cowboys and Romans are fighting for the open space.
Dexter opens a window using a key.
LARRY
Hey, guys. Hey, guys!
JEDEDIAH
Sorry.
LARRY
What's going on? What happened here? I thought we had a deal.
OCTAVIUS
We will never coexist with these buffoons.
Jed takes out his pistol.
JEDEDIAH
We're past words, Laredo. Now it's time to let Smith & Wesson
do the talking!
OCTAVIUS
Those guns don't even work.
JEDEDIAH
They don't? Take a look at this.
Dexter passes by.
LARRY
Dexter!
Larry pursues Dexter. Larry sees the neanderthals burning.
Larry uses a fire extinguisher on the neanderthals.
One neanderthal throws the foam at Larry, hitting him in the face,
and is pleased.
LARRY
Why?
Dexter passes by on his side.
LARRY
Ho! Dexter.
Larry pursues Dexter. Dexter is cornered by a window.
LARRY
End of the line, cool breeze. End of the line.
A neanderthal jumps out of the window. Larry holds out his hand
to Dexter.
LARRY
I am not playing games here. Just hand them over.
Easy. That's it, Dexter. Nice and easy, Dex. That's it.
Dexter slaps Larry repeatedly. Larry gets angry again.
They slap each other violently.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Good Lord, Lawrence! Why are you slapping a monkey?
LARRY
Teddy, this guy's been pushing me, and I'm sick of it!
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Poppycock. This little creature is your primate brother.
Without him, there's no us.
Teddy looks at the foam on Larry's face.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Are you rabid? Wipe that off. You have to deal with this creature
with love and respect. May I have the keys, dear friend?
Dexter hands Teddy the keys.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Thank you. Lawrence?
Teddy hands Larry the keys.
LARRY
Well, you know what? You seem to know what you're doing,
so I'm gonna let you take over.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
No, no. My dear boy, you can't put up the white flag now.
The museum is on the verge of total anarchy.
LARRY
I tried! I came back tonight, didn't l?
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Tried? That was one night. I didn't build
the Panama Canal in one day.
LARRY
That's great, but I'm dealing with
the most ridiculous job in history.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Some men are born great, Lawrence--
LARRY
Yeah, I know. Others have greatness thrust upon them.
You hit me with that chestnut last night.
The thing is, not everyone is great. That's the problem.
Some of us are just ordinary.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
No, you're not, Lawrence. Stop wallowing in self-pity.
Every journey begins with a footstep. Teach the
inhabitants to get along, they wouldn't need to be locked up.
LARRY
That means a lot coming from a guy who's spent the last 50 years...
...spying on a girl he's never even talked to.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
I was going to make contact. Lawrence, please.
LARRY
I'm done, all right?
Larry is going to leave the museum. Rexy begins to move.
LARRY
No, Rexy! No!
Rexy stopps moving. Larry notices that the window has opened.
Larry notices that a neanderthal is outside the museum.
LARRY
Oh, no.
Larry begins to run in a hurry. The neanderthal becomes ashes
in the sunlight. Larry is heartbroken. When Larry returns to
the museum, they stop moving. Larry takes the keys which Teddy
is holding.
LARRY
All right.
EXT. MUSEUM IN THE MORNING
Nicky and his friends visit the museum.
NICKY'S FRIEND 1
No one comes here anymore. Besides,
I took this tour in second grade, Daley.
NICKY
I'm telling you, my dad's gonna hook us up.
DR. MCPHEE
Mr. Daley?
LARRY
Yeah?
Dr. McPhee points to the foam in the neanderthal exhibit.
DR. MCPHEE
Foam.
LARRY
Yes, I know.
DR. MCPHEE
In the Neanderthal display.
LARRY
There was an incident last night with the fire extinguisher.
I was on my way to go clean it up.
DR. MCPHEE
Okay, don't bother. You're fired.
Nicky is shocked.
NICKY'S FRIEND 1
I don't think we're getting a tour today.
NICKY'S FRIEND 2
Your dad just got canned, dude.
Larry follows Dr. McPhee.
LARRY
Excuse me? Mr. McPhee? Can I talk to you about this, please?
Sir?
DR. MCPHEE
What?
LARRY
I know I screwed up, but I finally understand how to do this job.
DR. MCPHEE
You obviously don't.
LARRY
No, I didn't, but now I do. Really, Mr. McPhee--
DR. MCPHEE
Doctor.
LARRY
Dr. McPhee. Can you please give me one more night?
DR. MCPHEE
One more night.
LARRY
Okay, thank you.
DR. MCPHEE
And if anything is the tiniest...after your shift
Because....
LARRY
Got it.
DR. MCPHEE
Okay? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice....
LARRY
Shame on me. Fool me-- Shame on me.
DR. MCPHEE
You.
LARRY
Fool me twice.... Got it.
DR. MCPHEE
Take it or leave it.
LARRY
Okay. Thank you.
INT. ERICA'S HOUSE
Larry visits Erica.
LARRY
Hey.
ERICA
Hey.
LARRY
What's wrong?
ERICA
Maybe you should ask Nicky.
INT. NICKY'S ROOM
LARRY
Hey, buddy. What's going on?
NICKY
You got fired.
LARRY
What are you talking about? I didn't get fired.
NICKY
I came to the museum this morning. I saw your boss yelling at you.
LARRY
Why didn't you tell me? Everything's fine.
We just had a little misunderstanding.
NICKY
Why?
LARRY
It's hard to explain. I mean, you wouldn't bel--
You know what? Let me show you.
NICKY
Show me what?
LARRY
Come to work with me tonight.
ERICA
Larry? Can I talk to you for a second?
LARRY
Am I in trouble?
ERICA
Larry, what are you doing?
LARRY
I just wanna show him what I do. That's all.
ERICA
I love that you wanna share that with him,
but I gotta tell you ...I don't think Nicky
has any room in his heart for more disappointment.
LARRY
He won't be disappointed.
ERICA
Larry.
LARRY
He won't be disappointed.
EXT. IN FRONT OF MUSEUM
Larry and Nicky walk to the museum.
LARRY
Listen, hang out in the security office till everyone's gone.
Then I'm gonna come get you. All right?
INT.MUSEUM
Larry sees Rebecca.
LARRY
Hey, miss? I'm gonna have to ask you
to vacate the premises.
REBECCA
Hey there.
LARRY
Hey.
REBECCA
Good place to think, huh?
LARRY
Yeah. Definitely. So no big plans tonight?
REBECCA
Yeah, no, I'm not really a big-plan person.
I prefer hanging out with people who are dead
for 200 years. It's the live ones that throw me.
LARRY
That's cool. Seriously though, you do have to leave.
REBECCA
Seriously?
LARRY
Yeah, sorry. It's museum rules. We're sort of locking
everything up.
REBECCA
You're really taking your job seriously.
LARRY
You know, once I clip on the tie, I'm all business.
REBECCA
I get it.
LARRY
Yeah. How's that dissertation coming?
REBECCA
I've hit a dead end. I mean, research can only get me so far.
I'm never gonna know who she really was. So I think it's time
that I move on to another subject. I'll let you get back to work.
Good night, Larry.
LARRY
Yeah, okay. Night.
Larry thinks for a moment, then chases Rebecca.
LARRY
Hey. Rebecca!
Rebecca turns around.
REBECCA
Hey.
LARRY
Hey. Listen, I don't think you should give up on your paper.
REBECCA
Okay. Why?
LARRY
All right, look, this is gonna sound crazy, all right?
I mean, it's gonna sound, like, really, really crazy.
REBECCA
Okay.
LARRY
No, I mean insanely crazy.
REBECCA
I can handle it.
LARRY
Okay. You know how they say in certain
museums, history comes alive?
REBECCA
Yeah.
LARRY
ln this museum...it actually does.
REBECCA
What are you talking about?
LARRY
Everything in this museum comes to life at night.
REBECCA
Really?
LARRY
Yeah, really. I'm not kidding you. You know that tablet?
The Tablet of Ahkmenrah? It actually brings things to life.
It's like some ancient spell. Since the '50s, every night
everything's been coming to life. Teddy Roosevelt told me.
Seriously.The monkey, Dexter? The cute little--
What is he?
REBECCA
Capuchin.
LARRY
A capuchin. Right. The capuchin. He urinated on me and bit my nose.
And Sakagawea is in her case, alive every night...just listening to
Lewis and Clark argue. So if you really wanna get inside her head...
I can hook that up.
REBECCA
That's cool.
LARRY
Yeah, it's cool. It's freaking awesome.
Rebecca gets angry.
REBECCA
Make fun of the history geek.
LARRY
No. Rebecca!
REBECCA
Good night, Larry.
LARRY
No, I'm not making fun of you. Rebecca.
Rebecca leaves. Nicky comes to visit. Larry puts him on the desk.
LARRY
Here you go. Best seat in the house.
NICKY
What's going on?
LARRY
If I told you, you'd think I'm crazy. I'm gonna show you.
NICKY
What?
LARRY
You'll see in about 20 seconds. Okay, you like Tyrannosaurus Rex?
NICKY
Yeah.
LARRY
Yeah? Well, I call him Rexy. And he's about to come to life,
Nicholas, in...five, four, three, two....
The T-Rex doesn't move. Nothing else comes to life either.
NICKY
Dad?
LARRY
Hang on a sec. Say hello to Rexy!
NICKY
Dad, are you okay?
Larry walks to Theodore Roosevelt and his horse.
LARRY
This is weird. Guys! Come on! Sundown! Hey, T.R., come on, rise and shine.
Buddy, I need you to wake up. Come on, my kid is here. I need you to wake up.
Texas? Texas! Come on! Texas! Come on! Get on, Texas! Get on, Texas! Get up.
NICKY
Just stop, okay?
LARRY
No, Nicky, I'm telling you, there's this tablet, okay?
Called the Tablet of Ahkmenrah. Every night--
NICKY
Now there's a tablet?
LARRY
Yeah, there is.
NICKY
Come on, Dad. Come on.
They walk to the room with the tablet, but it's not there.
LARRY
It's gone.
NICKY
What's gone?
LARRY
The tablet. I think somebody stole it.
NICKY
Yeah, right.
Nicky leaves.
LARRY
I'm not kidding, Nicky. Nicky? Hey, Nicky!
Hey! Hey, Nicky! Where are you going?
NICKY
Home.
LARRY
What? Wait a minute.
They see a shadow downstairs.
INT. STORAGE ROOM
They investigate, and find the tablet and other treasures
in a cart. Gus, Reginald, and Cecil enter the room.
LARRY
Come on.
CECIL
You guys shouldn't be here.
Nicky is holding the tablet.
CECIL
Give us the tablet, son.
LARRY
Wait a minute, Nicky. What are you guys doing?
GUS
We're not gonna hurt you. Give us the tablet.
CECIL (TO NICKY)
I'm sorry to tell you this, son, but your dad doesn't work here.
He got fired this morning. Couldn't hack it.
NICKY
Dad? I thought you said you weren't fired.
LARRY
I did. They're lying, trying to steal that thing. Turn the middle piece,
you'll see what I was talking about.
CECIL
That is museum property, son. Give it back.
LARRY
Nicky, trust me. Just turn it.
GUS
Give us the tablet!
LARRY
Nicky? Trust me.
Nicky turns the middle piece, and it glows.
LARRY
Nick? Run. Now.
Nicky runs away with the tablet.
GUS
Get back here, kid!
Gus tries to grab Nicky, but Larry stops him.
CECIL
Bad idea, Larry.
GUS
You wanna dance, hot dog? You wanna dance? Gus, you're an old man.
I don't wanna hurt you.
Gus punches Larry.
CECIL
You see, Larry, a few years into the job, the three of us realized that...
Iike everything else in this museum, we got new life at night. Sundown to
sunrise, we felt young again.
Cecil throws Larry to the floor.
LARRY
Okay. Did not see that coming.
CECIL
Gave us an energy boost. We love the nightlife, Larry. So when we found out
they were gonna fired us...we had to steal the tablet. Everyone knows you
need the money. Add the stuff we planted in your place... pretty obvious
you committed the crime. Take care of that cut. Come on, guys, let's go find that kid.
GUS
Sweet dreams, cupcake!
LARRY
No!
GUS
Pile driver!
Gus hits Larry hard.
CECIL
Let's get our tablet.
Cecil finds Nicky and takes the tablet from him.
CECIL
Thank you very much. We'll take it from here.
Larry runs into the room.
LARRY
Nicky!
Cecil knocks Larry down.
CECIL
Just in time, Larry. We were just locking up.
They lock the door.
GUS
Sleep tight, hotshot.
CECIL
Let's grab everything we can fence. I don't know about you,
but I'm planning on a long retirement.
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